Order must be restored

• Stop talking about where you went to college.
• Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.
• It’s ok to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.
• Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row… Unless something really good comes up on the third night.
• You will probably regret your tattoos.
• Never date an ex of your friend.
• Join Twitter; become your own curator of information.
• If riding the bus doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
• Time is too short to do your own laundry.

 • When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
• Hookers aren’t cool, but remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.
• When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go.
 And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.


 • People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.

 • When in doubt, always kiss the girl. Endure the occasional slap.
• Tip more than you should.
• You probably use your mobile phone too often and at the wrong moments.

• Buy expensive sunglasses. Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.
• Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning.

 •Have a night out for yourself.
• Be a regular at more than one bar.
• Act like you’ve been there before. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the end zone at the Super Bowl or on a private plane.
• A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.

• No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman.
• Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.
• There’s always another level. Just be content knowing that you are still better off than most who have ever lived.
• You can get away with a lot more if you’re the one buying the drinks.
• Ask for a salad instead of fries.

• Don’t split a check. But if you must use your better judgement.
• Pretty women who are unaccompanied, more often than not, want you to talk to them. Endure the occasional bitch.
• When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.


• Be spontaneous.
• Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists.
• Piercings are liabilities in fights.
• Do not use an electric razor.

• Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.

• Buy a tuxedo before you are 30. Stay that size.

• One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.

• #StopItWithTheHastags.
• Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer.

• Throw parties. 
But have someone else clean up the next day.
• Measure yourself only against your previous self.
• Take more pictures. With a camera.

• Your clothes do not match. They go together.

• Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner.

• Staying angry is a waste of energy. 
But if it makes you thrive, more power to you.
• If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn’t want you.
• Always bring a bottle of something to the party.


• Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life.
• If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.

• Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised, and they will be too.
• If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.

• You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back. Or rum for that matter.

• If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.
• No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.

• Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.
• Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar.
• Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party — provided that you don’t initiate conversation with, “So, who are you reading…”
• Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.
• Don’t gamble if losing $US100 is going to piss you off.
• Remember, “rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.”

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